


Voices Inside My Head

by Awesomeninjamonkey



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bulimia, Depression, Multi, Schizophrenia, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 09:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13408650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Awesomeninjamonkey/pseuds/Awesomeninjamonkey
Summary: Ciel Phantomhive isn't different, he just has a problem. He hears voices in his head, whether someone is there or not. He is a diagnosed schizophrenic, but manages to live life anyone else would, for the most part.When people that sound like the voices in Ciel's head begin to appear around him, he thinks he is going crazy. Until he meets real life Sebastian, who explains everything. Ciel just goes deeper into the hole he's dug.Crappy summary, I know. It'll get better...hopefully, read and see.Yaoi-BoyxBoy content Yuri-GirlxGirl content don't like, don't read





	Voices Inside My Head

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work on ao3, I'm not very proud of my ones on ff.n so I'll post this here. This is dedicated to my cousin who battles with schizophrenia, my best friend who struggles with anxiety, depression, bulimia, and suicide, and to all those out there who battle these monsters like we do. Don't give it the satisfaction, it will be okay. Someone out there loves you, remember that :-)

It’s not that he was different, per say, he just had a problem. This is what Ciel told himself every morning. No, he wasn’t addicted to drugs or an alcoholic, it was a different kind of problem entirely. Schizophrenia was his monster in the closet. He heard voices, whether someone was there or not. He did go to a therapist every Monday and Thursday and took medicine, like a normal person would do with a common sickness, but it didn’t help as much as he would like it to.

Oh, let me introduce them. There is Soma, an Indian man about the age of twenty-three, he loves curry and is always nice to Ciel. There is Agni, another Indian man, about twenty-six, and always gives Ciel good advice, whether Ciel agrees or not. Mey-Rin, or Mey as Ciel likes to call her, is an English girl, who is about twenty-one, she is the closest Ciel has ever had to an older sister. Finny, a boy about twenty-one, is sweet and caring and understands Ciel’s childish side as well as his sophisticated side. Bard is twenty-four and is always giving encouraging words, sometimes making him do stupid things, usually involving a flamethrower, but cares nonetheless. Then there is Alois, the same age as Ciel, twenty, and always puts Ciel down, and is there more than some of the others. Claude, who is the second oldest, is twenty-seven, and is quite like Alois, but more...creepy. Lastly, there is Ciel’s favorite, the oldest one that is there the most, Sebastian. He is twenty-eight, very sassy, intelligent, kind(ish), honest, jubilant(most of the time), and always pulls Ciel out of his moods. Ciel also has friends outside of his head, like his cousin Elizabeth, Snake, who is usually very quiet, Ronald, who is overly annoying, and Ciel’s girlfriend, Sieglinde, who is German, and has problems of her own. They had been dating for four months and were very happy...most of the time. They both have depression and anxiety, along with their separate problems, and get into bad moods very easily and very quickly. They live separately, Sieglinde, wanting to be pure until she is married, lives with her overprotective older brother, Wolf, who made it very clear of her wishes. Ciel, respecting her wants, lives alone, aside from his inside friends, in his apartment that his wealthy parents refuse to pay for, seeing as they pay for his therapy, car insurance, medical bills, and other things on top of that. Ciel understands that they just want him to learn how to be responsible, but damn it, adulting is hard! Especially when everyone at work treats you like a vegetable, and not the good kind. The only person at work that seemed to understand Ciel somewhat was Undertaker. No one knew his real name, not even the boss, but they all left it at that, not wanting to get involved in something they would later regret.

Sometimes Ciel just wanted to get rid of himself, slit his wrists open and watch himself bleed until the darkness took over. That’s when Sebastian stepped in and made Ciel feel better, remind him of everything he had going for himself, tell him that someday, they would meet, face-to-face, although Ciel had absolutely no idea how that would happen, Sebastian was just a voice in his head, no matter how much he told himself other wise. Sometimes, Ciel imagined what everyone would look like if they were actual, real people. Soma would have long purple hair that he would pull into a pony tail, he would wear jeans and anime t-shirts, with converse of every color, one for each day of the year. Agni would have long hair pulled back as well, but his would be so blond that it looked white. He would look more professional in slacks, a nice dress shirt, with a sweater-vest adorning the attire, with polished black shoes. Mey would wear dresses and skirts with t-shirts of her favorite bands, usually Green Day or Twenty One Pilots. She would wear Vans most of the time, converse occasionally. Finny would dress in jeans and muscle shirts, with his favorite pair of Nikes, and he would also wear his silly socks on the weekends. Bard would wear black skinny jeans with nice button ups and a tie, along with his one pair of black sneakers. Alois would be the one he would NEVER cosplay, wearing booty-shorts whether it was hot or cold, with a t-shirt and his signature purple jacket, as well as his favorite pair of Vans. Claude would dress much like Agni, minus the sweater-vest, and adding a tie. Sebastian would always be the best dressed, wearing black slacks, white button up shirts, a vest, a tie, and his black shoes which he took great care not to scuff. Ciel thought Sebastian would be the hottest out of all his roommates.

Yes, he was gay. He hadn’t come out to Sieglinde yet, nor his parents for that matter. The only who knew his deep dark secret was Elizabeth. She didn’t care what her cousin preferred, so long as he was happy. The only reason he was with Sieglinde was so that he could please his parents, who detested anything that went against the Catholic faith. He wasn’t sure what he believed in or whether he even believed in anything at all. He considered himself an atheist, believing that if there was a god or whatever, then he wouldn’t have this problem. He didn’t always have schizophrenia. He started to develop it after his tenth birthday, the day he lost his twin brother, and was kidnapped. He guessed his mind was trying to cope with the loss and humiliation after that that he started to hear voices in his head. He didn’t know though, he wasn’t a professional, though the professionals didn’t really seem to know either, though they hypothesized the same thing he did. Today was a particularly bad day. He woke up at five am, per usual, to be able to make it to work, took a shower, brushed his teeth, got dressed, same as usual. He went into the kitchen and fixed a bowl of cereal. He was out of his favorite, Cocoa Pebbles™, so he settled for Captain Crunch™. The others began to “wake up” while he was eating, the first being Alois, yay. He began to insult Ciel on every little thing, from the shoes he chose to wear, all the way to the black eye patch that never left his fac in the day time. That was a weak point for Ciel, and Alois loved to exploit it, which usually caused trouble within Ciel’s head, which gave him very bad head aches. He detested taking more medicine than his daily dose, so he chose not to take any meds for it. Half an hour later, Sebastian decided to help out a little bit. This usually only causes more trouble, but is able to get the others under control and relieve Ciel’s headache.

_“That’s enough of your antics, Trancy.”_

_“Oh, Sebastian, I didn’t know you were awake! You should have said something sooner and I would have stopped playing with your little pet.”_ This didn’t bother Sebastian, but, being in his head, was able to feel Ciel’s anxiety starting to get to him.

_“Don’t worry about him Ciel, he’s just spewing his usual nonsense. You’d better hurry or you’ll be late for work.”_

Ciel looked at his watch, which wasn’t attached to his wrist for some strange reason. Then he remembered that it went out on him yesterday, and he didn’t feel like buying new batteries, so he threw it away, much to Agni’s chagrin, and Bard’s goading. He decided he would get a new one after work, as he felt like it was time for a new one anyway. So out the door he went, locking it and making sure it was locked at least five times. He then bounded down the stairs, to the car park, staring his car and driving off to the day’s misery. Ciel worked at a coffee shop, Aroma Bean, inside a book store, The Bookshelf, where he had all of five coworkers. Undertaker was the manager of the coffee shop, he had really long silver hair that almost reached the ground. People didn’t like the idea of him making coffee, so he just took orders and gave orders. William was the manager of the book store, and he didn’t take very kindly to working with a schizo. He had a cold demeanor and was asexual to boot. He refused all of Grell’s attempts to woo the man, and just seemed utterly annoyed by the entire world. Grell is a flamboyant transgender m-t-w, she had long red hair almost as long as Undertaker’s, and always wore the shortest skirts within regulation. Alan was a calm man, he had chestnut brown hair which only went down to his neck, wore glasses, and was married to Eric. Eric was more eccentric than Alan and Will, but less than Grell. He had blonde hair on top and black hair on the bottom, he had one piercing in his left ear and was growing a goatee. Alan, Eric, and Grell worked in the book store, while Undertaker and Ciel worked the coffee shop. He took the orders and Ciel made the coffee, as well as the cakes and cookies and brownies. Ciel didn’t complain, it was a job that paid the bills and kept student loans off his back.

“Looking a bit rough there Phantomhive, I suggest you learn how to clean up, and I don’t just mean the one of you,” William said as soon as Ciel walked in the door.

“I suggest you learn how to clean up your attitude, Mr. Spears,” Ciel retorted, using Bard’s bold words instead of his own meek ones.

“Hmph.” William just turned and walked off, not having a good comeback in his arsenal.

_“Way to go Ciel, I told you it would work!” Bard told him._

“You’d be lucky if you don’t get me fired,” Ciel scolded.

 _“This is not the time to be arguing, go clock in before you really do get fired,”_ Agni admonished.

“Yes mother,” Ciel replied sarcastically.

Ciel went behind the counter of the coffee shop and clocked on five minutes before six o’clock. He considered rubbing it in Sebastian’s nonexistent face when Grell appeared. She looked saltier than usual, growling at almost everything. She went straight for the coffee bar, not caring that there were only two minutes before she had to sign in. Without even saying anything, Ciel knew what to do and what to brew, so he set to work making the concoction of pure evil and pure bliss.

“Hurry up you weirdo, I’m tired and need to clock in. I had a long night last night doing things you people couldn’t imagine.”Ciel had to bite his tongue. It was one thing to insult Spears, but insulting Grell was a war that ISIS didn’t even want to start. It was truly a nightmare to battle the beast of battles. It made him and all the insiders shudder, even Claude.

“Here you are, would you like to pay upfront or put it on the tab?” Ciel asked, already knowing the answer.

“Since when do I ever pay upfront, Phantom-freak? Put it on the tab you lot of dumb asses.”

“Yes sir,” Ciel said, regretting it as soon as it came out of his mouth.

“WHAT DID YOU CALL ME YOU GERM!? I AM A WOMAN! YOU FREAK!”

“I’m sorry, it just slipped out, it won’t happen again, I promise,” Ciel pleaded for his life.

“IT BETTER NOT.” Grell stormed off, ten minutes late to work.

 _“It could have been worse,”_ Finny said.

 _“Yeah, she could have bitten your head off I say,”_ Mey encouraged.

 _“What they said, it’ll be okay Ciel, don’t worry!”_ Soma offered cheerfully.

 _“Pfft, please, he should have had his head bitten off, right Claude?”_ Alois challenged.

 _“Yes your highness,”_ Claude offered up pathetically.

 _“Leave him alone you two, he’s got enough problems with out the likes of you trying to walk him off a pier,”_ Sebastian settled.

“Would all please shut up so I can do my job?” Ciel asked, knowing it wouldn’t help.

They continued to argue like that for a solid hour, making Ciel absolutely miserable. It was a Friday in December, so there were a lot of people coming in for new reads and discounted coffee. Things started settling down after the lunch hour, only to pick back up at five. Only three hours left for Ciel and he would be home for the weekend, as he works on weekdays only. The rest of the day passed by monotonously, same as always, until about seven, an hour before he got off. Sieglinde had come into the store, trying and failing to sneak up to the coffee shop, along with Lizzy, who went straight to the manga section. Trying to prolong what was about to happen, Sieglinde picked up a few books and pretended to read the summary. Eventually, she got tired of the facade and rolled up to the coffee bar.

“Oh, I didn’t know you were coming by, can I get you something,” Ciel said casually surprised.

“Oh, um no, I was hoping I could talk to you if you aren’t too busy.” She looked around, only to notice the lack of people in the coffee area.

“Not busy at all, getting ready to close up actually,” Ciel said, intrigued by what she had to say.

“Oh, of course. Well I came here to-to tell you something, something really important,” she said nervously.

“Which would be?” Ciel prompted after not hearing an answer for a few seconds.

“Oh, right, what I came to tell you. I-I don’t know how to say it without possibly hurting your feelings, so I’ll just come out and say it. I’mdumpingyousoIcandateyourcousin,” she said quickly.

“I’m afraid I didn’t understand what you said,” Ciel stated, confused.

“I said that I’m dumping you so I can date your cousin. Lizzy.”

It took a few seconds to understand. Until it hit him in the face. Literally. He snapped out of his internal dialogue to see that he had a paper that had been taped to his face, via slapping. The culprit, his cousin in question, Lizzy.

“So, you’re gay?” Ciel asked, feeling lighter by the second.

“Well, I’m pan, but I’m dating Sieg all the same,” Lizzy stated nonchalantly, though her cheeks were slightly tinted pink.

“Oh. Everyone says congratulations. Except Alois, he says to get a room,” Ciel quoted his friends.

“Thank you everyone. Alois, go suck a dick that’s bigger than your tiny pebble,” Lizzy thanked.

“I’ve got to go. I have closing up things to do. And Alois says that your-I AM NOT SAYING THAT ALOUD ALOIS!” Ciel exclaimed, flustered.

_“Oh come on Captain Faggotry, it’s what normal people would say.”_

“No, it’s not what normal people say, I’m the real one here, aren’t I?” Ciel challenged. Alois shut up after that.

“You okay, CiCi?” Undertaker asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’m used to it, I kinda live with it.”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it. Are you going to come out to your parents now, CiCi?”

“I don’t know. What would they think? I need them, I mean, what if I go crazy one day and almost kill myself or someone else? If they decide that they don’t like it, will they cut me off? Not that I want all the money, but I do need their help, I’ve only just started adulting. And the therapy, I won’t get the help I need, I’ll eventually run out of crazy meds and go berserk.” Ciel sighed, starting to get stressed out.

 _“Calm down Ciel, it isn’t good to stress yourself out, just finish cleaning up and by then it should be time to clock out and go get some supper,”_ Sebastian told him.

“Thank you, Sebastian.”

“Who?” Undertaker questioned jokingly.

“No one,” Ciel said and worked on finishing his job for the day. After what seemed like forever, but was really only twenty-five minutes, it was time to go. He clocked out and put on his jacket and headed out to his car. He unlocked it and got in, driving off to the nearest…

“Taco Bell or McDonald’s?” Ciel asked.

 _“Taco Bell!”_ Mey, Finny and Soma cried out.

 _“McDonald’s!”_ Alois, Bard, and Agni exclaimed.

 _“How about a healthy meal that involves a salad, like a buffet. How about Golden Coral, you can hove some desert afterwards?”_ Sebastian argued, knowing how to get Ciel to agree.

“Golden Coral it is,” he claimed, and drove the twelve blocks to the restaurant.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if it sucked, I warned you. Have a good day/night!


End file.
